This summer the Transformers movie trilogy came to an end with the release of Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon. Was it any good? Of course it wasn’t, it was a horrible movie that only has one silver lining: it‘s the last one!
Now, I watched the first Transformers movie when it first came out back
in 2007 and it wasn’t too bad. Sure the story is a complete wafer but on
the whole it was a decent movie. It didn’t get nominated for any Oscars
but it was watchable if nothing else. Transformers 3 however, makes the original look like The Shawshank Redemption!
I’m really trying hard not to talk about the second
movie here. It’s like a traumatic experience that I don’t want to go
back to, but I will. Sigh. Ok here goes.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen represents one of the lowest
points in cinema’s long history. Not just intent on being the worst
Transformers movie, this film wanted to be the worst film ever made. And
it came bloody close. There is no doubt about it, Transformers 2 is the worst movie of the three. Transformers 3 is better than it - but what isn’t!?
Saying that though there were moments during the third movie where I
wanted to say that it was worse than the second. Why? Because it was
boring! Really, really boring! Something I did not expect from a Michael
Bay movie let alone a Transformers movie! The first hour of this movie
is just drivel. At the very start we’re shown some backstory that
intertwines with history, American history of course. Turns out the race
to the moon wasn’t because of giant leaps for mankind. Instead it was
to explore a UFO wreckage.
This wreckage is, as you’ve probably guessed, a Transformer’s ship that
crash landed as it tried to escape Cybertron during the war between
Decepticons and the Autobots. NASA - or at least some scientists,
notices this, and the space race begins as America and Russia fight to
get to the spaceship first! Of course America wins, checks it out, takes
some rods from the site and then proceeds to, well frolic about in the
moon buggy and play golf I suppose. Oh yeah Buzz Aldrin is in this
movie, and he isn’t the worst actor in there! He’s part of a hilarious
scene where he meets Optimus Prime and says: “it‘s an honour meeting
you.” Optimus responds by saying: “The honour is all mine.” Bloody
hilarious.
Uncle Sam and friends.
Once this 5 minute intro is done with though, you are going to be
waiting a whole hour to be stimulated again. I’m not even exaggerating.
First off we’re reintroduced to Sam Witwicky who’s in his apartment with
his supermodel girlfriend. But wait, what’s this? You have a different
supermodel girlfriend! Of course I knew Megan Fox wasn’t in this movie,
due to her calling Michael Bay a certain Nazi, but I didn’t realise that
this new girl wasn’t playing the same character. I thought they had
just changed actor, not character as well. It wasn’t until the little
New Yorker Decepticon from the second movie (commonly known by many as
Joe Pesci-bot) starts laying into Megan Fox saying how mean she was to
Sam for dumping him.
Okay so there’s a totally new girlfriend! She’s different right? Nope.
She’s just eye candy. What is it with Michael Bay and his misogamy? To
Michael Bay, women exist to stand around and look pretty, to say things
like “say you love me” or to straddle motor cycles while a cameraman
humps your leg. What we have here is a like-for-like swap. Okay, she’s
not as aggravating or annoying as her predecessor and to be fair to her,
considering she has zero acting experience, her acting is much better
than Megan Fox’s.
The movie does attempt to show how Sam met his new love. Apparently
President Obama gives him a medal (yes they superimpose Obama into a
photo with Sam and then show a terrible look-alike walk back to his
desk) for all his hard work during the second movie. Where’s my medal
for watching that God-damn movie!? After he receives his shiny medal he
sees his new girl across the room. I know what you’re thinking; they
share a look and fall deeply in love instantly right? No it’s even worse
than that. He positions his fingers into the shape of a gun, hangs the
medal from it and pretends to fire at the girl. And apparently girls
like that crap because she falls for him. Wait… what?
Something I realised about this whole scene was that he meets his new
girlfriend after getting his medal, which would have been soon after the
second movie ended. Now in the second movie they make a big deal out of
Megan Fox wanting Sam to say those three little words, but of course he
isn’t ready until the end of the movie where they save the world and
inevitably tell each other how much they love one another. All of that
was complete tripe then, because mere weeks later, Megan Fox dumps him
because it turns out she’s a cold hearted bitch. Well thanks Michael
Bay, thanks for making an effort with this new couple’s backstory!
As I say the first hour of Transformers 3 is the most boring hour
you’ll have in a while! All you get to see is Sam whinge, moan and
complain about how bad his life is. It’s pretty much all he does
throught the whole movie, whinge, moan, complain, shout OPTIMUS at the
top of his lungs. It appears Sam has finished college now and is looking
for work unsuccessfully. Do we care? Of course we don’t, where are the
Transformers!?
The biggest problem with not just the third but all of the three movies
is the fact that even though it’s called Transformers it’s not about
Transformers at all. It’s about humans, the most dull and annoying
humans on planet Earth! Why Mickey Bay, Why? There is no way people can
actually like the human characters at all! Take our main character, Sam
Witwicky. He is, quite frankly, an asshole. All he does in this movie is
complain, whine, moan, tell people how great he is or bang on about the
medal Obama gave him!
There is one scene where he attends a job interview, as he needs one now
he’s left college. His prospective employer is John Malkovich (yes,
John Malkovich is in this movie. He’s either lost a horrible bet or has
fallen on seriously hard times) who is a slightly weird bloke who serves
no purpose in the movie whatsoever! Anyway in the scene Sam tells him
that he’s saved his life twice but he doesn’t even know it. Asshole. Sam
Witwicky did NOTHING. Last time I checked it was the Transformers who
saved the day on both occasions! He just happened to have a pair of
glasses owned by his Grandfather.
And if he isn’t bigging himself up to John Malkovich he’s racially
abusing a Japanese businessman. Well I say he, what I really mean is
Michael Bay is racially abusing a Japanese man. Yes, because he’s Asian
his office is more of a dojo than anything else and there are all sorts
of stereotypically Asian furniture around along with incense and all the
rest of it. It's not too distant from Yoda's house on Dagobah. I’m
fairly sure Michael Bay has never left the United States. And why would
he want to? Sam bows to his prospective employer and calls him sensei.
Oh dear.
They’re back…
Sam isn’t the only human that’ll have you tearing off your finger nails.
The parents are back! And they’re just as hilarious as before! I
thought they weren’t in it, so imagine my absolute joy when I saw them
quite early on in the movie. Now, there are many many things that
irritate me in the Transformers movies but nobody infuriates me more
than the parents do!
Yep, they’re here again and they’re as cringeworthy as ever. The
unfortunate thing about the parents is the humour. It’s terrible, pure
and simple. They’ve been in all three of the movies now, and each time
they’ve been dire. Remember that infamous scene in the second where they
went to college with Sam and embarrassed him at every turn? Watching
his mum eat some cannabis brownies and proceed to lark about with the
college jocks was enough to turn my skin inside-out. Just writing about
it now is enough to send shivers down my body. My hairs are literally on
end here.
So what do they do that’s so bad in the latest movie I hear you ask.
Well his mum only enquires on the size of his manhood. Yep. I’m not
kidding. The crescendo of the parents is quite literally his mother
talking about his penis. Oh God I’m starting to turn inside-out again!
Enough about them though, I don’t want any of my readers having any
Vietnam flashbacks, so I’ll move onto a new character: the villain. Now I
know you might be thinking I’m spoiling it by revealing the identity of
the baddie, but seriously it’s so obvious from the moment you meet him
that I’m not going to insult people’s intelligence by not disclosing it.
Yeah it’s Dr McSmarm from Grey’s Anatomy. Megan Fox version 2
works for him in some capacity that is unknown. Something to do with
cars or something. Who cares. Anyway he’s a hottie, so of course Sam is
jealous of him as he’s starting to move in on his easily impressed arm
trophy. Sounds boring doesn’t it, well that’s because it is. At their
first meeting there’s a lot of pervy camera shots of Megan Fox version 2
while Sam and Dr McKnuckballs exchange pleasantries.
John Turturro is back in this one yet again. After enjoying his time in
Sector 7 in the first movie and being a ‘swine flu’ butcher in the
second, now he’s a writer, selling his ‘They’re here!’ literature across
the land. We see him first off doing an interview with Bill O’Reilly
who makes him out to be a crazy person for believing in Transformers.
This got me thinking though. How in the name of God have the previous
two movies been covered up? Take the first movie: they have an epic
battle in the centre of a big city. They blow up everything in sight,
thousands of humans see it all happen, but still they cover it up! In
the second movie it’s even worse! There’s a series of battles, take for
example the massive battle at the start in Singapore, a pyramid turns
into a doomsday device, and The Fallen literally goes onto TVs across
the land and tells all humans that he’s going to kill them all and such.
Yep, all of that is covered up. All of it. How?!
Anyway, it’s in this scene with Turturro and O'Reilly where we meet a
new character called Dutch, a former military man who now ponces around
with John Turturro. Now, Dutch is gay. I just thought I’d tell you that.
Michael Bay is obviously still living in 1950s America when it comes to
homosexuality as he uses every stereotype available to him in the
depiction of this gay character.
The very first time we see Dutch walk into shot he is wearing a suit
with flowers on it. FLOWERS! Even the campest man in the universe
doesn’t wear flowers on his suit! I mean, come on Michael, have you ever
even met a gay man in your life? Most of the gay men I know are just
normal and act as any other straight man would. According to Mr Bay
they’re hip swaying, happy campers who wear flowery suits and talk like
Julian Clary. There’s even one scene where he mentions that he has a
girlfriend and when they question him on her name he says “Ind-ia.”
Apparently that’s funny. Some people in my cinema screen actually
laughed at that. It’s pretty soul destroying really.
Deep what?
Another character the audience found hilarious was a character who calls
himself ‘Deep Wang’. I am totally not kidding there, that’s his actual
name that he shouts out all the time. Michael uses a good old fashioned
gay joke with him and Sam too. Sam works at the same place Deep Wang
does and gets cornered by him in a toilet cubicle where they proceed to
struggle all the while John Malkovich is stood right outside watching
with disgust. Amusing huh. Deep Wang is also of Asian descent so of
course naturally he drinks ‘exotic milk’ and is all round a bit kooky. I
think this particular character is the worst in the movie; put me off
the Hangover 2 single-handedly; you will be thanking your lucky stars
when he’s killed off.
Deep Wang is murdered by a new Decepticon (thank God I’m talking about
Transformers) who can transform into pretty much anything. Its true form
is that of a Pterodactyl that has been sent out by Megatron to kill the
people involved with the mission to the moon all those years ago. Deep
Wang is one of them. Yes, because NASA usually encodes names like that,
apparently Juno was going to be called Schlong but they changed it at
the last minute. Anyway the Pterodactyl sneaks into Deep Wang’s office
all stealthily and kills him making it look like suicide. Luckily though
Deep Wang has given Sam the secret plans (which of course he kept in
his underpants and rubs all over Sam’s face because I guess that’s
funny).
Anyway, once Deep Wang is dead the Pterodactyl can stealthily leave,
making everyone think it was a crazy suicide! Wrong. Instead, for no
apparent reason it decides to go berserk and shoots at anyone and
anything in the building before it buggers off. So why then did it
bother to be all stealthy in the killing of Deep Wang? I really don’t
get that at all. Michael Bay just thought to himself “I haven’t seen
anything blow up in a while… pterodactyl attack!”
There are other new transformers too of course and naturally some swift
exits for former ‘formers. Skids and Mudflap have not returned, thank
Christ! They were the new additions to the second movie. All they did
was wax lyrical at each other in the most stereotypically black way
possible. You’d have to be a retard to find them funny, I was personally
stunned they made it past the censors. It appears their racism was too
much for Michael Bay to include in the new one; didn’t stop him abusing
the Asians though.
Replacing Skids and Mudflap is another little bot who hangs out with Joe
Pesci-bot. These little robots are supposed to supply some comic relief
throughout the movie but they don’t really succeed. To be fair they
provided the only laugh of the movie for me, when they were getting
crowded out by several enemies, the new bot addition turns to camera and
says “this is a cluster-“ and then the scene cuts before his ultimate
F-word. Not exactly laugh out loud humour but funny non-the-less.
Live long and prosper.
The major new addition is Sentinel Prime. He’s the Autobot whose ship
crash landed on the moon and started all of this mess. He’s played by
poor Leonard Nimoy who of course can only really get voice rolls these
days as he is, and always will be, Spock. Speaking of which Michael Bay
makes him humiliate himself in this movie by demanding he say the Star
Trek line: “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”
Clearly it’s not just John Malkovich who’s fallen on hard times.
Sentinel Prime is a strange character. Once reactivated he supports the
Autobots and the humans in their escapades against the Decepticons; but
after a while it turns out he made a deal with the Decepticons and sides
with them so that Cybertron can survive. Their aim is to rebuild
Cybertron by activating a gate using rods that were also found in the
spacecraft on the moon. I liked it in the movie where it gets revealed
that their aim is to literally bring Cybertron to Earth. I think this is
supposed to be a twist but I figured it out straight away! Breathe Andy
Breathe you’re not the target audience, stay calm....
The thing is, I don’t understand why he disguises himself as a good guy
for a while. He only really does it so it can be a twist. A big
pointless twist. That kills Ironhide no-less! Ironhide, one of the best
Autobots, killed needlessly because Sentinel decides to be a nobber. Not
that dying in Transformers actually means anything. Take Jazz for
example, killed in the first one, Optimus even does a moving speech for
him at the end; but hey in the second movie he’s back, at least I think
he is, they didn’t exactly get a lot of screen time. Did Michael Bay
forget what he actually did in the first movie?
Remember the second movie where Optimus is killed by Megatron only to
return to life after Sam himself dies but it brought back to life by the
guardians of Robot Heaven. Man that sounds ridiculous. He went to Robot
Heaven and they send him back because it is ‘his destiny’. Yet another
annoying cliche. Robot Heaven really was the pinnacle of the trough, if
there is such a thing!
I’ve just thought, in the second movie, The Fallen, that lame main
antagonist, says to Megatron “only a Prime can kill a Prime.” He’s
clearly chatting complete arse here as Megatron kills Optimus Prime in
that forest while he’s protecting Sam. So does that mean Megatron is a
Prime? Nope apparently he is not and this is just another gaping plot
hole in the Transformers series.
Another new addition, this time with the Decepticon clan, is Shockwave,
who we see early on and then again later in the movie. If you’ve seen
the trailer you’ll recognise him, he’s the one with the snake like
weapon that slaloms and weaves around buildings causing devastation in
its wake. Shockwave is a cool new villain who unfortunately doesn’t get
to do a lot. He makes a brief appearance early on so Optimus can say
“that was Shockwave” and then emerges towards the end when Sam and his
military pals from the other movies are climbing a skyscraper.
This skyscraper scene just bemuses me. I don’t get the point in it at
all. Sam and his mates are climbing it so they can shoot a rocket at the
rod that opens the gateway. On the way up Shockwave uses his worm to
crush the building like a python. It collapses from the middle and
topples over at a 90 degree angle meaning they all slip, slide and fall
about for a while. Do they shoot the rocket? No. Do any of them die? No.
Do they converse? No. SO WHAT WAS THE POINT!? This scene lasts a good
15-20 minutes and it offers NOTHING! It’s as if Michael Bay watched Inception and thought he would like to also include a cool scene like the zero-gravity scenes.
Transformers 3 is 2 hours and 40 minutes long! That’s a long
time! So why is this pointless scene included? In fact why did the whole
first hour make the final cut? This movie could easily be cut down to a
one and a half hour movie. Instead it’s dragged out. I think that adds
to the feeling of boredom.
A story that was written on a beer mat.
As you may have noticed, the story in this movie is pretty horrific and
is told just as poorly. Like I’ve said this movie is about the humans,
and not the transformers, hence why the first hour is wasted with the
moanful Sam, his parents, new girlfriend, John Malkovic and Dr McDonald.
If you haven’t figured it out yet, Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon is
the exact same move as the previous two. The story is simple: the
Decepticons want to take over the world and the Autobots (and the
humans) must fight to stop them from achieving their goal. On this
occasion Megatron looks to be defeated early on, brooding with the
lovable Starscream in the middle of a desert getting kicks by scaring
the local wildlife. But he isn’t beaten just yet as he’s made that deal
with Sentinel when the Autobots seemed to be defeated that will ensure
that Cybertron will live on. Sentinel, posing as a good guy heads
towards the Earth with some rods that will open a gate. However he
crashes on the moon and so fails in his mission. Not to worry, the
Decepticons take all the rods apart from a few and leave the humans and
therefore the Autobots to find Sentinel and reactivate him. Only Optimus
can do that apparently. I suppose that rule was made up by the same
people who said only a Prime can kill a Prime.
Wondering what the Autobots were up to before all of this kicked off?
Well they were out fighting the ‘human’s wars’ I’m sorry? You’re
choosing sides now? Yep, the Autobots became America’s bitch. It shows
them out in the Middle East fighting a load a stereotypical terrorists
because the Middle Eastern nations are all evil right? Why couldn’t they
go and free Libya? Bumblebee is with them, Sam's always having a moan
at him for not 'hanging out' the selfish little sod!
Anyway, as I’ve said Sentinel betrays the Autobots and all appears lost.
The Decepticons send the humans an ultimatum: to extradite the
Autobots. Yes, the Decepticons tell the humans to send away the
Autobots, their only means of defence in return for their safety and
freedom. So what do they do? They comply! I’m serious, the US government
actually tell the Autobots to leave, and Michael Bay does it in what
can only be the worst way I’ve ever seen in cinema.
The Autobots will be blasted back into space by a giant space rocket and
they are marched down the runway and into the ship, but not before
Optimus does another “never lose faith in yourselves” speech. Once
loaded in they’re sent off into space when all of a sudden, surprise
surprise, a Decepticon appears from nowhere and blows up the rocket! It
explodes in more-or-less the same explosion pattern as the Challenger
did back in 1986. Why? Why evoke images of the Challenger disaster for
no good reason? It’s one of the worst moments in this movie and that is
saying a lot!
With the Autobots out of the picture the Decepticons are free to invade
the planet, enslave the human race, and generally blow stuff up. Who’d
have thought the DECEPTicons would DECIEVE the humans? Mind blowing
stuff isn’t it?
So it seems like it’s down to the humans to stop the Decepticons from
world domination. They fail pretty much instantly and Dr McGonagall
takes Megan Fox version 2 with him to his new lair. It’s here where they
reveal that the Decepticons want to use the humans as a slave force to
rebuild their new Cybertron. I don’t really know why as I’d imagine
they’d be fairly useless, doing about as much work in a day as a
Decepticon could do in 17 seconds, but hey the movie’s not been making
sense for hours so why start now?
Sam decides that he’s going to rise up and go into the Decepticons
make-shift base and stop them from activating the gate. Well not really,
he goes to save his girlfriend. On the way there he meets up with the
bloke from The Fast and the Furious who’s working as a farmer or
something. Obviously he joins Sam on his quest along with some other
random military types who crop up from nowhere. Once they reach the city
walls they discover that the city is in ruin and Sam’s mates decide to
pussy out. I’m not exactly sure what they were expecting really, but
apparently the ruins are enough to scare them off. Sam gets them onside
once more and then just as they start to get attacked by the evil
Decepticons… the Autobots appear to save the day! How? Who cares!
They’re back and they kick some ass!
The following scenes are all about getting to the gate and stopping
Cybertron from being pulled to Earth. It involves some of the most
stupid scenes ever seen (or not seen) in Transformers history. First off
before they commence battle, the professor Autobot, who is new to this
movie gives Sam a couple of weapons, essentially grappling hooks (THIS
IS IMPORTANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE), and then they all head off to do battle.
In his truck guise, Optimus and some other Autobots are heading towards
the gate when they’re ambushed by the Decepticons! Optimus loses his
cargo which has the flight deck inside, he needs to get to it. I’m sure
there’s going to be lots of big action scenes showing him get it back, I
can’t wait!
Of course you’ll have to wait for that as we get more boring human
scenes. I don’t know how but some random American troops and marines
appear from nowhere to aid our heroes. I racked my brain for hours
afterwards trying to figure out where they came from. Let’s just say
they were dropped in by some aircraft that somehow managed to avoid
getting shot down by the hundreds of airborne Deceptions. Now, it’s no
secret Michael Bay loves the US military. Remember that scene from the
second movie where there was a giant American flag dwarfing the Union
Jack? Ah such sweet memories. Michael Bay thinks about the US military
EVERY time he makes love. EVERY SINGLE TIME. He just cannot get enough
of them, even though they do sod all but shoot in random directions
throughout each and every movie!
The next scene is Optimus Prime flying through the air, wait a minute,
he was going to get the flight deck…now he’s using the flight deck…you
missed out the entire scene of him kicking ass while you showed the
boring humans!? By this point though I was too distressed to even get
angry about it, I just prayed it would end soon. It appears Optimus only
flies for the simple plot device of him getting stuck in some random
cables like a pathetic fly caught in a spider’s web. The other Autobots
go to help him down and while they do that Shockwave can terrorise Sam
in the pointless 20 minute skyscraper scene. Sigh.
After a few more pointless scenes Sam ends up being chased by
Starscream, who’s having such a laugh toying with his prey. At this
point I was fully on Starscream’s side and wanted him to crush the idiot
as quickly as possible. Doesn’t happen though because Sam whips out the
grapple hook that was conveniently given to him (nudge nudge) and
shoots him perfectly in the eye. No training, no practice shots, he just
hits bullseye in his first shot from about 40 yards. Sure, why not?
This kicks off the ridiculous scene in which Starscream flails around in
his slapstick way, swinging Sam here, there and everywhere. The army
bloke from the first movie, Lennox, who looked to have a promising story
but then became a tertiary character who just says army stuff and
shoots zappy guns at the baddies comes to help Sam. Well I say help, he
holds on too and after a while Sam stabs Starscream in the eye with the
other weapon killing the lumbering Decepticon…
WHAT THE HELL!? Sam kills Starscream?? How can this be? Starscream CAN
NOT die at the hands of a human, or anyone for that matter! Nobody but
Megatron! If Starscream is to die, then only Megatron can do it! That’s
just the law! Why Mickey Bay, why!?
Not that Megatron could kill Starscream though, he’s pathetic and has
been since the beginning of the second movie. I don’t know what
happened, but Megatron went from being the biggest bad-ass in the
universe in the first movie, to being possibly the lamest character ever
by the end of the third.
In the second movie, he plays The Fallen’s lapdog and I still don’t know
why. The Fallen was an old man! He sucked! Megatron should’ve just
killed him and taken centre-stage once more! Instead he got to chase Sam
around and wipe The Fallen’s arse from scene to scene. Grow some
robo-balls Megatron!
In this third movie, he’s a little bashed up from the previous two
flicks and so sends that pterodactyl to do most of his dirty work. Of
course he’s sided with Sentinel who is also tougher than him. This is
not how it should be! Megatron should be the main villain, nobody else!
There’s even a scene where he gets told this by Megan Fox version 2.
Towards the end when Sentinel is reeling in Cybertron, Megatron sits
pathetically in some alleyway. Megan Fox version 2 walks up to him and
starts abusing him, telling him he’s just Sentinel’s bitch. Of course
it’s all a ploy so that he’ll attack Sentinel and take the spoils for
himself, but why the hell does he just take that from her? Why doesn’t
he just kill her on sight? The Megatron I know and love would have
killed her immediately, grabbed her, crushed her, squished her,
pulverised her. Sigh.
So Megatron gets up and starts beating on Sentinel, Optimus kills
Sentinel. Then it’s just the two of them: Optimus Prime vs. Megatron!
Finally I had sat through 2 hours and 30 minutes and something epic was
going to happen! Optimus kills him instantly, with one arm, like he’s
just an insect. Oh God.
Editing that’s almost as poor as mine.
Michael Bay just cannot make a coherent movie! He’s just dire! One thing
that you will notice not just in this movie, but in all of the
Transformers movies is the lack of any editing talent. Editing is such
an art, it’s something all filmmakers learn at some point but clearly
Michael bay skipped that class. Okay, he was unlikely to be responsible
for it, but still if you’re director then it’s your responsibility!
Take the scene after Starscream dies. Sam and Lennox are tossed into the
air and are certain to fall to their deaths! But no, Bumblebee arrives
and catches them (seriously how many times do Transformers have to catch
humans in these movies?) saving their lives. The VERY NEXT scene is a
hostage scene where some Decepticons have captured some of the Autobots.
Now, when I first saw this I was trying to figure out which Transformer
was which, as you do throughout most of these movies, and there was a
big bright yellow one. Who’s the yellow one? Bumblebee. But it can’t be
him as he literally just saved Sam and Lennox moments ago. So it must be
a new Autobot that we haven’t met yet, right? Right?
The Decepticons decide it’s time for the Autobots to die now and take
the Professor and shoot him in cold blood (or motor oil) confirming his
only role in the movie to give Sam those weapons. Who’s up next? The
yellow one. IT IS BUMBLEBEE! But how? This makes no sense!!! Why Mickey
Bay, why!? You don’t even put a scene in-between, you just straight up
have Bumblebee be in two places at once!
It’s this all round poor movie-making that makes Transformers 3 an
awful watch! No story, poor characters, awful humour, dire writing,
shoddy editing, and a misleading title! Okay it’s not as bad as the
second movie, there’s no Skids and Mudflap, there’s no Robot Heaven,
there’s no human transformer, there’s no Megan Fox, there are no giant
swinging metallic balls of steel, but this movie is terrible. It’s not
as painful as Revenge of the Fallen, it’s more boring than
anything else. Everything’s been seen before, there is too much emphasis
on the human characters when the movie would be far more interesting if
they allowed the transformers to show their characters off.
I feel like I should at least try to think of something good about these
movies. The only thing I can think of is that the first movie is a
decent watch; the other two are write-offs. The action scenes involving
the Transformers are genuinely good, fantastic infact, but not enough to
save the movies. I sometimes think Michael Bay is just in the wrong
job. He's brilliant at special effects but when it comes to directing he
just isn't up to it. Another good thing about the movies are the
soundtracks, especially the first. Steve Jablonsky does a great job and
it's well worth a listen.
But unfortunately these good points are far outweighed by the bad
points. I can sum up this movie simply by saying this personal statistic
of mine. There are three movies that have made me seriously consider
walking out of. Two of them are Transformers movies. The first is Transformers 2;
during the parents visiting college and the cannabis brownies. If it
went on for one second more I would have been out the door and I would
never of even witnessed the robot bollocks! Transformers 3 is the
latest addition to my ‘almost walk-out’ list; and it only really
happened towards the end during the hostage scene I mentioned earlier.
In the scene the Professor is sent to Silicon Heaven and Bumblebee is
next. He stands there about to be executed and looks at the crying Sam
while some emotional music plays in the background. As soon as I saw
this I knew I would walk out if they killed Bumblebee. 100% certain.
Bumblebee is the one character you cannot kill in Transformers for me.
Optimus can perish for all I care; Bumblebee is the best Transformer. I
thought Michael Bay would go through with it, it’s the last movie so why
not kill him off? But thankfully he saw sense and Bumblebee was saved
by Joe Pesci-bot and his mate who’ve commandeered an enemy mothership.
The mothership crashes into a river. Did they survive? We’ll never know.
So there you have it, one of the worst movies ever made, summed up in
5752 words. I could have gone on for much longer, but if I posted
anymore it’d break the internet. Looking back at it, I’m surprised I
didn’t walk out of Transformers 2 or 3. They really did push me to the
limit. Are either of them the worst movie I’ve ever seen? No. That
accolade belongs to the other movie in my ‘almost walk-out’ list. Will
Ferrall's The Land of the Lost. The only reason I didn’t walk out on that was that I’d fall 40,000 feet to my death if I did.
Final Verdicts:
Transformers. 3 Stars. Not exactly the deepest of movies but pushes the four star barrier as it’s enjoyable.
Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. 1 Star. Dire, makes me want to stick pins in eyeballs.
Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon.
2 Stars. Only just gets 2 stars as it’s an improvement on the second,
but largely boring and hardly any focus on the giant robotic aliens.
No comments:
Post a Comment