Recently
I’ve found myself getting bored. I’ve spent the morning wandering my
house looking for something to tidy only to end up more bored sat in
front of ESPN watching United play Bolton. Now this tedious boredom I
keep encountering may or may not link in to the fact that there is
nothing to look forward to in the movie world.
I mean, as soon as the credits rolled for Scott Pilgrim,
that was it. It was the moment I looked up and bemoaned the fact that
there is now no film to look forward to between me walking over the
sticky floors at the cinema complex on the way out and Rudolph laying
his front two hoofs down onto my snowy rooftop. I know this as I’ve been
punctual enough to see the trailers at the start of recent films I’ve
watched. Which for me is usually a rare thing.
If you’ve been the same you’re likely to agree with me. Most trailers have done nothing but bore me, or frustrate me. Now alright to be fair not all of them are going to be aimed at me. I went to see Toy Story 3 for example, so I’m not likely to want to go and see Diary of a Wimpy Kid, a movie in which said wimpy kid gets bullied by stereotypical fat bullies and forced to eat cheese from the tarmac of the playground or something; or The Owls of Ga’Hoole, a movie in which said owls fly across the world in order to stop something, I don’t know I wasn’t paying attention!
But
there are some lazy movies that are supposedly aimed at me, or at least
a similar demographic to me. Most of which still seem to be trying to
sell themselves with the 3D suffix plonked on the end of the movie
title. Currently out in cinemas right now is Resident Evil: Afterlife (3D).
Not only is this movie series beyond awful, which is frustrating enough
as the games are actually quite decent, but they’re just frustrating
the hell out of me by continuingly bringing out sequels to it. Who is
watching this crap? Who!? Whoever it is needs to be stopped, they’re the
T-virus of the movie world, seemingly crushed only to re-appear in the
next game, I mean movie. Well at least its giving Milla Jovovich
something to do.
Speaking of sequels, coming up later this year is the eighty first instalment of Saw (3D).
This dead horse surely, surely, cannot be flogged any more. It doesn’t
even resemble a horse anymore, it’s been flogged so much all that’s left
is an arching tube, which I can only assume is its spine, and what
looks like a wafting carrier bag dangling from one end. Please stop
making this movie. Please. Poor Sea-biscuit.
Another brainless sequel is that of Jackass (3D).
Another instalment of a bunch of tools finding ways in which to hurt
themselves using generic equipment such as shopping trolleys and
paintball guns. I don’t really have to go on, you know what it is, just
save yourself eight quid and watch MTV2.
So
if you’re not into sequels where do you turn to? Well before you head
for the nearest gun shop let me fill you in on the non-sequential movies
coming out in a theatre near you very soon.
First up, it’s Charlie St. Cloud starring
Zach Efron. No come back! I saw this trailer at the cinemas for the
first time and I was actually pleasantly surprised by it. Zach Efron has
a kid brother, Sam (who is the spitting image of the kid-now adult from
Two and a Half Men), who he vows to spend more time with playing
catch and such. Seconds later he carelessly crashes his car killing Sam
during some very dramatic camera work. Cut to the funeral and Zach
breaks down and heads into the forest with Sam’s glove, where he meets,
yes you’ve guessed it, Sam! He then proceeds to play catch and be with
Sam. Yay.
Looks
like we have a great drama on our hands here. Wrong! The film is then
ruined! Ruined! By the director's true motives. It’s a freaking love
story, nay, a romantic comedy-esque drivel-fest, argh I hate you! After
we see Zachy boy play with Sam in the forest we then see him randomly
hanging around a dock where he meets a girl who is on one of the boats.
Game over! Just stop watching, you know where this film is going now.
It’s been derailed and its heading to movie hell as now the main
storyline is whether or not Zach can be with sailor girl and still keep
Sam. How pathetic, it looked like this movie was actually going to be a
thought provoking drama. Instead it turns out to be another pointless
Zach Efron movie. Sorry I called you back.
The
thing that annoys me the most about this movie is the unrealistic
nature of it. Okay so Zach can see Sam, who’s dead, that’s a little
unrealistic, but I‘m fine with it. Yet in one scene, after Sam’s death,
Zach goes to a bar, presumably to drown his woes. A young black man
hands him another drink saying “have another, it’s not like there’s a
big demand for you as a driver.” Who…Says…That!? Who!? In what universe
does anyone say that to someone in his situation? Not only that but he
seems surprised to get a punch in the face! It’s just unbelievable! So
unbelievable that if Chris Kamara watched this movie he’d bloody well
explode!
I’m afraid that’s pretty much it, there’s the story of Facebook with The Social Network, the trailer for which is just as dull as you’d expect. In a nutshell Justin Timberlake ‘likes’ himself. Vampires Suck represents the American teen movie of 2010. I’m all for a bit of Twilight bashing but please stay away if you value your integrity. And of course there’s the final instalment of Harry Potter where
Harry, now 38 years old, has one final showdown with He Who Shall Not
Be Named (Ralph Fiennes). In two parts. Seriously, this is how arrogant
Warner Bros are. They can literally charge you twice to see this movie.
One last money spinner I suppose, until J.K. Rowling writes more about
him. Thank God for Christopher Nolan.
It’s not all bad though. Ben Affleck looks like he’s done a good job directing and starring in The Town. A crime drama starring Rebecca Hall, Jeremy Renner, and Madmen’s Jon Hamm alongside Affleck. Hopefully it’s good. It should at least rid him of the horrible stench Gigli left.
So
yes, that’s about all. One movie that you might want to check out
between now and Christmas. Brilliant. Looks like the best movies will be
out on DVD: Iron Man 2 for one, and of course there’s Inception,
in which I will be getting the 63 disc special edition! I certainly
won't be gracing the cinemas with many appearances anyway, anyone fancy a
game of Halo: Reach?
***
United drew by the way. Typical.
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