I know, it sounds ridiculous but there is a movie based on
the game Battleship. You know B2: Miss D7: Hit. That sort of thing. It’s hardly
the kind of thing you’d expect to see getting a movie made about it, but here
we are.
Battleship is all about, well battleships. There isn’t much
else to it really apart from the fact this isn’t blue battleships vs red
battleships, this is battleships vs ALIENS! Because as we all know adding
Aliens makes your movie a whole lot better! Case in point Indiana Jones 4.
The movie begins with Earth sending out a message to some
random galaxy in the hope that they’ll make contact with aliens and they’ll pay
us a visit sometime and share stories around a camp fire in Ohio or something.
I’m not really sure what they expected to come of this but as an audience if
you haven’t guessed what the aliens reaction will be then you should probably
still to that Thomas the Tank Engine box set…
Yes, the aliens decide to invade Earth for reasons im not
totally sure about. A random squadron appears on NASA’s radar (if you can even
call it a radar) and they’re heading straight for Earth! It’s cool though
because the aliens have sent possibly there most inadequate people to invade
the planet. One the way one of the alien’s spacecraft crashes into a satellite
and it turns out they needed it as it was carrying the big walkie talkie to
talk to their home planet. Silly beggers.
So this gives the humans a chance at liberation because the
aliens need to set up shop and build a phoneline which takes time…
Oh yeah there are people in this movie, I totally forgot.
Okay so there’s the main douchey character named Alex Hopper who has an over the
top all-American brother in the proud US Navy. His brother gets him into the
Navy somehow and he manages to get a hot girlfriend by buying her a chicken
burrito. Are girls impressed with that nowadays? Yeah, this is the level we’re
dealing with here. There are other characters such as Liam Neeson who plays
Admiral whats-his-name but there are very few worth mentioning.
Of course pop
star Rihanna is also in this, she plays a weapon’s expert on the ship (i.e. she
shoots the big guns). She's quite funny actually, she just larks about and
says one liners like “boom.” To be fair to her the performance from her in this
movie is a direct hit to the ones I’ve seen from Beyoncé. I mean it’s not Oscar
material but at least it’s semi-believable!
One part I did actually enjoy in this movie is the part
where they tried to reenact a game of battleship. The ship is fighting the
alien ship at sea in the dark and they use these buoys to pick up vibrations of
the enemy ship. When they vibrate they know where the ship is an Rihanna can
start pulling the trigger again. It’s creative I’ll give it that…
That’s pretty much it though, Battleship is about as basic a movie
as you’ll find out there. Aliens attack, humans fight back with big guns, the
end. One thing I don’t get though is how beating the aliens changes anything…
we were so grossly outgunned by five small ships, what happens when they send a
massive fleet in to finish the job? I guess we’ll never know, but I have a
feeling the answer involves Optimus Prime!
Final Verdict: 2 Stars. Hit and miss.
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